cheese me

The Biggest Cheese in the World is Coming to the Suburbs

Eat cheese, please.

Eat cheese, please.Photo: iStockphoto

You can't make this stuff up: Grub Street hears that the world's largest slab of cheese is coming to suburban Concord. Allow us to quote directly from the release, because paraphrasing just won't work in this situation.

"A 400-pound crucolo, the diameter of a man's arm span, gets its own town-wide welcoming parade as it rolls down Walden Street on a 200-foot red carpet, cheered on by a raucous crowd of townspeople and The Crucolo Dancers (a horde of costumed school children tossing chunks of cheese), live music, and masses of tri-colored balloons." Do note: "This mild, fresh asiago cheese" possesses "delicate, muenster-like holes."

The "Crucolo Dancers"? Hordes of young children throwing chunks of cheese to and fro? Raucous Concordians? Really? We're envisioning Vegas-style line-dancers sporting foam Swiss cheese hats and cheese-curl batons.

Moreover, what is it with Massachusetts and the world's biggest cheesy products? Why, it was just a few weeks ago that Billerica became home to the world's largest platter of nachos. We're going to have an image cholesterol problem pretty soon.

Anyway: The cheese will reach its final resting place, the legitimately lovely Concord Cheese Shop of Concord, on December 1 at 3:30 p.m. Last year the cheese also visited Concord and went for $20 per pound. (Don't even think about stealing any.) Mark your calendar; save your pennies.

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