Surely we're not the only ones grossed out by Ragu's recent ads that position the jarred pasta sauce as the perfect meal for kids who've walked in on their parents mid-coitus. (It's cheaper than years of therapy!) And yet, it turns out that they're part of a long and disturbing tradition of creepy commercials for kids' food. While these freaky ads of yesteryear don't feature any banging parents, they do offer giddy clowns, talking eggs, and trenchcoat-sporting grannies shilling for Burger King. Take a stroll back in time and congratulate yourself for making it through childhood.
Ferrero Chocolate's Insane Humpty Dumpty
This fairy-tale egg, who bears an eerie resemblence to Austin Powers's sidekick Mini-Me, is the stuff of childhood nightmares. Clearly, he would like tots to buy chocolate and never sleep again. His sign-off — "Me screwbie now!" — somehow gets lost in translation.
McDonald's Insane Japanese Kids Who Love SpongeBob
Japanese children go absolutely bonkers for SpongeBob Square Pants! Watch one tyke slurp what looks to be orange juice through a spongey straw, then flash-forward and envision him snorting cocaine off of a stripper in twenty years.
Burger King's Creepy Grandma in a Trench Coat
Hey kids, someone's at the door! Oh, look, it's Grandma, newly escaped from a mental institution! This calls for some Burger King! We don't even know.
Snickers' Plastic Surgery Victim in Fur Coat
Apparently scary old people really do help sell junk food! If you thought trench-coat Granny was bad, check out Bea Arthur and Dolly Parton's love child peddling Snickers in this misguided Halloween commercial.
Burger King's Sixties Magician
We're just going to blame this one on LSD.
Post's Sugar Rice Krinkles' Maniacal Clown
This friendly fellow "krinkles!" each time he takes a bite. The very reason children fear clowns.
Happy Kool-Aid Mom
"You can give your youngsters a lot of pleasure with Kool-Aid. You know it's pure and good!" Mom's right as usual: Kool-Aid tastes best with vodka and bizarre hip-thrusting choreography soundtracked to whistling.
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